Did you just "should" yourself?
What's really underneath all that "should"
How often do you suffer because of a should?
“Shoulds” usually conceal unexpressed needs, preferences, priorities, or values, which we are often unaware of on a conscious level. We commonly use “should” when we are judging someone for not doing something the way we want, or not being the way we would like them to be.
It can be really helpful to move away from this posture of judging to a more neutral posture of observing our own inner state and how the external world affects it. I mean, unless you enjoy living as a judgy person; whatever floats your boat. But those around you (probably including you, too) will likely be better off if you notice what’s underneath the judgments and the “shoulds”, and the story you’ve chosen to tell about it.
Notice that if you stay with what the other person “should” do, you are framing a narrative in which you don’t have much ability to influence anything, except through judging or possibly shaming the other person. Have you noticed judging and shaming to be effective in the past? And how do they make you feel, when you’re on the judging or the receiving end?
Saying something like “she should come to lunch on time” might really be pointing to your need for accountability or reliability; or it might demonstrate a preference for punctuality over flexibility; or mask a priority for feeling cared for and respected by someone meeting your standards for “on-time” arrival.
If you examine this more closely, you might see that what’s important to you in this situation is reliability, for instance, because you have other things to plan in your day and you want to fit the pieces together; the other person being dependable and showing up on time helps you keep on schedule. If you spot this, you can work with it and request punctuality from the other person, within that framework.
However, if you notice that you prefer punctuality because you’re used to it and have learned to take tardiness as a sign of disrespect, then it’s workable in a different way. The other person might have other ways of demonstrating their respect and care for you, even if they’re late to lunch, and you may be able to understand that their tardy arrival doesn’t necessarily indicate anything about your friendship.
Do you see? You can choose to get bogged down in the complaint about what someone “should” do, which makes you feel righteous but unhappy and solves nothing, or you can get curious about what’s underneath the “should” and address that.
Another example: “The neighbors should get rid of all the leaves in their yard” might really mean, underneath, “I like looking at tidy yards, because I value neatness, and their yard is not in line with that.” Well, it’s their yard, isn't it? Maybe they value seasonal cycles and want to allow for the natural decomposition of leaves that will nourish the soil. Or maybe it’s an elderly neighbor who can’t care for their yard the way they used to.
Your valuing neat appearances might belie an anxiety you feel at things you can’t control, or maybe you hold an unexamined belief that tidy yards somehow demonstrate a person’s goodness or worth. Get curious about what’s really going on beneath the “should”.
Or another example, “I shouldn't have said that dumb thing at work today” could really mean, “I blurted something out today and I prefer to be more measured and careful with my words in work settings.” Maybe in the past you’ve blurted something that had consequences you didn’t want, or you’ve learned it’s usually more beneficial to take a moment before speaking in a meeting in order to adequately get your point across in the way you mean.
Look behind or underneath the “should” for the value, need, preference, or priority it is concealing. That’s where true self-knowledge lies, and there is the key to understanding, growth, and peace.